Neo-Neofeminism of the Stay at Home Mom

So before you read the title and think...Whoa! Must. Run. Far. Away. From crazy feminist lady! I promise to make this as pain free as possible. There is no reason to be afraid of the word FEMINIST!

I had a high school Humanities teacher who is a complete badass, worldly, intelligent and strong. She sued a former employer upon discovering she was not earning the same as her male counterparts. Recently, I have befriended her on FB and she posted something that sparked an idea in me. 

It said, 

"The New F-Word: FEMINIST It does not mean: man hater or lesbian, superior, chip on her shoulder, Moody/PMS, Wants a free ride, Expects equal pay for less. 

What it does mean: An advocate of social, political, legal, and economic rights for women equal to those of men." 

That's it folks, that's what it means. There is no need to fear that word any longer.

As a young woman raised by females, I was the chip on her shoulder, hard core, stereotype of a feminist. I got a BA in English-Philosophy. but my primary focus was feminist theory. Of course it all started with Freud and his backward idea of women being purely neurotic, sexual beings and then from there dozens of philosophers reinterpreted his words. My all time favorite philosopher was Jaques Lacan. Some feminists would argue that he merely repeated the usual sexist ideas, but I particularly enjoyed his writing on feminism as a masquerade. I believe it was his take on Riviere's ideas, but regardless I was always interested in the idea that femininity does not really exist, it is just a mask that we wear to please the Other and allow masculinity to come into existence. 

Now how does this relate to me at the moment? Well, I have about twelve years on the girl who once thought she knew everything. Now, here I sit at home practically bare foot and pregnant. My feminist self might of asked, what went wrong? But today I'd like to argue that:

The 21st-Century Stay at Home Wife is the Neo-Neofeminist.

Why Neo-Neo? Simply put, neofeminist was a term used by Simone de Beauvoir (French Philosopher) and I'm attempting to put my own spin on this.

I am a stay at home mom for many reasons. Here are two:

First of all I was a high school teacher. I taught math. Needless to say, this is NOT my passion. Can you picture me writing FB status updates about differentials like my English teaching comrades who almost daily express their excitement for each new unit? If you asked yourself differWHaT? Well, that means you didn't pay attention in high school math class, thus you didn't pay attention to me. Need I say more?

Secondly, I've struggled with anxiety my entire life. Before children, I had a decent handle on this thanks to yoga and Ekhart Tolle's books, but since adding children to the mix my anxiety is an entirely new beast. Every time I had a behavior issue in my class, rather than handle it with grace, my chest would get heavy, I'd point to my classroom door and say these two words, "get. out." I could no longer maintain professionalism when my own children were elsewhere. I felt like the main problem with the difficult students was the absence of their parents. Here I was going to work to raise the forgotten children, all the while forgetting my own.

Don't get me wrong, there is a lot to be said for the working mom. I did it for two years so I know you are doing the best you can and I've spoken to numerous women about the fact that they feel being away made them better parents. To that I say, absolutely. Being with people under the age of five from sun up to well, infinity at the moment, can be overwhelming and might just cause you to act like one of those neurotic Freudian women. I, on the other hand, end up with this pretentious blog post just so I can feel like I am still using my expensive, yet to be paid off, education. 

As I sit here I can still hear my mom's voice when I told her I wanted to stay home. She said, "No you don't. Don't you want your children to see a strong, hard-working female?" 

Am I not working hard here at home? Do they not get to witness me cook, clean, and organize? I am strong; I can do yoga with a two year old strapped to my leg. I can put a sit and stand stroller into my car while carrying two children and a sippy cup. I can apologize when I've gotten frustrated and lashed out and I can stand my ground when they are testing their boundaries. Do I not read and research new parenting techniques and hypothesize and experiment on them? Do I not sit down and teach them about right vs. wrong, the alphabet, numbers etc? I am a doctor when they are sick, I am an engineer when their train tracks get stuck. I can do anything. I am literally typing this while nursing Rory in a freaking Moby wrap. I totally feel like a badass right now; I mean the fact that I managed to put this thing on makes me some sort of ninja! Aren't these acts equally as important for them to witness? 

Between this and the mounting numbers of professional mom's juggling everything on one plate, painting a pretty picture of having the best of both worlds; I almost felt pressured into working. I had to be able to do everything. I had to be able to stay up all night nursing a baby only to wake up at 5am to pump before leaving for work with spit up in my hair. I had to teach all day breaking only to pump again in a hall closet, then hurry home to my children who desperately needed my attention and I would tolerate it up until bed time. Then, as soon as my head hit the pillow the cycle would start all over again until the weekends, when I spent most of my time doing laundry and other tasks that didn't get done during the week.

After almost two years of this circus act I finally had to be honest with myself. I was miserable. The guilt of dropping my children off with other women all day long was causing me actual physical pain. The idea that they spent more time with other people than they did their own mother made me feel inadequate. I had to sit down with my husband and express these feelings and to my surprise he supported me and we started downsizing immediately to make it happen. Sold the house and the car; moved into a smaller house and bought a used car. 

So, my thought is that since being a stay at home mom is almost a taboo these days, those of us who stay are making a conscious decision to do so despite the status quo. We are in fact going against the grain in taking on the social and economic right to make the decision to be employed without pay doing the most difficult yet most rewarding job in the marketplace today. Does that not make us a new form of feminist? Believing in our right for some respect to give our children our full time care during the early stages of development despite the fact that we may not be paid as well once we return to the workforce? Maybe that's what we should be burning our nursing bras for...Equal pay after taking a few years off to raise children...Or maybe student loan forgiveness for educated women who stay home for the sake of their family, thus bettering society as a whole. It's just a thought. 

Come'on ladies, let's bring back the stay at home mom like Bieber brought back Hammer pants!

Any how, I feel bad for not being as comical in this post so here's a joke one of my favorite students told me about some muffins:

Two muffins were sitting in an oven.

One muffin looks at the other muffin and says, "man its getting hot in here."

The other muffin turns his head and says, "Holy crap, it's a talking muffin!"

And...I'm out.