So I Married Your Representative....AWESOME.

When I first met my husband I was in a long distance relationship with someone else. I was unhappy with this guy, he was apathetic to my concerns and somehow thought I would stick around despite my feelings of being unappreciated.

I recall the moment my husband and I met eyes for the first time and my mother said to me, "did you see how he looked at you? You're going to marry him." I laughed. Not only was I not on the market, but he was nothing like my "type." I say "type" because in my early twenties my "type" was  recluse, elitist, philosophers with lofty aspirations of being musicians. Eventually, their affinity for recreational drug use was always the downfall for the relationship.

By my mid-twenties I started dating more of the traditionally masculine, athletic "type." I was heavily into yoga at the time and my philosophy/ whole foods/ artsy fartsy/ passionate background was dramatically neglected by this "type. " I found myself at a crossroads. I wanted to mold my future husband out of a combination of all of the above. Did the person of my dreams exist? Is there really someone out there who is meant to be with me?

My husband is an anomaly. He is this rough, tough guy with a huge heart who strangely has such passion about art and music that I'm certain he could discuss it from sun up to sun down. With our children he is extremely strict, but in the same breathe will love on them more than I've really ever witnessed a man do...EVER. He values integrity and loyalty as much as I do and I am hard core about these things so that is a rare find indeed.We also have some differences, I tend to be more on the liberal side and I tend to see the grey in most things while he tends to be more conservative and stubborn hehe.

Our first date was interesting because I had been through four serious relationships and a ton of random failures and felt like I was done dating. I was in my late twenties, ready to settle down and pop out some babies. I was extremely confident. I had and still have a lot to offer someone and I am not afraid to say that.

So many years I wasted on the wrong men only to find out that I am a catch and I don't have to put up with anything I don't want to PERIOD. I decided I would tell him exactly what I want and don't want in a relationship.

I hate liars, cheaters, addicts, drama, boredom and video games. I love loyalty, integrity, kindness, family, respect, adventures, positivity, music, food, friends, fitness and passion. I told him that I was not looking for a boyfriend. I've had boyfriends. I want a husband. I told him how I expect to be treated by my husband, how I want to raise my children, how I want to resolve conflicts and how I ultimately want to live my life.

He seemed to appreciate my honesty, He had had one failed marriage and was a single father so he knew all about mistakes and was equally as exhausted with dating. He told me I was the most beautiful and intelligent woman he had ever met and that I deserve everything I am asking for because what I am asking for is nothing extravagant; it's what should happen in a happy relationship.

And then he said something I will never forget. He stared me in the eyes and said, "I don't understand. Here I am sitting right in front of you, prepared to give you everything you want and need in a relationship. I have literally agreed with everything you have said since you started speaking. I am sitting right in front of you. I'm the person you want and you are still trying to justify why this guy you were seeing was treating you poorly."

He was right. If he was sitting right in front of me, then why should I not take a chance on him?

So I took a chance. A ridiculously large chance. We were married and pregnant within five months from that first date.

Initially things were amazing. We agreed on just about everything. We laughed until we cried daily. We had amazing chemistry in the sheets...This is what we had waited for, for so long.

But as most people know. Things change. (Now it's important to understand that I'm not talking infidelity or abuse here because those are things that I personally feel are not worth keeping a marriage through)...

I'm talking mannerisms that were once cute become irritating. Children exhaust you and lack of sleep mixed with the constant smell of baby spit up put a riff in the physical relationship you once had. People will tell me how fun and loveable my husband is and sometimes I'm like, "are we talking about the same person?"

There is nothing easy about what we are doing currently. I gave up my job to be home with the kids and he took a second job so I can stay home with the kids. We have an argumentative five year old, a rowdy two year old, and a colicky 3 month old. All blessings...exhausting, stressful blessings. Not to mention life happens.

You see the year we were married, my husband lost both of his parents within months of each other. BOTH of them. I cannot begin to imagine what that must feel like, but I definitely feel the result of it.

I've learned that in moments when others are overwhelmed with excitement such as for the birth of their child or for the holidays and the new year, my husband deals with bouts of despair and grieving for what was lost. Because from now until the end of time, every moment we celebrate will be haunted by the fact that his parents aren't here to see it.

Today we got into a huge fight over something not important. Anyone who knows my husband, knows that arguing with him is seriously exhausting (guess that's the passionate part of him I was so looking for in a mate haha). He is on edge and he will be on edge until the holidays are over. I know he's not hangry because despite how many snacks I give him he is still short with everyone in my house. Not saying he does not enjoy himself at all, but sometimes I can almost feel the internal struggle he has with himself as if he feels guilty for being happy without his parents around.

This is our third year that we have been married and this will be the third holiday season that I will spend forgiving him for taking out his inability to cope with his enormous loss on me. I'm not always good at it. Sometimes I want to scream at him for ruining a happy moment while in his funk and I do from time to time, but luckily for me, he is still able to recant anything he should not have said and apologize for his negativity and as hard as it might be for me to drag him to festivities with a scowl on his face, I will stand by him and I will hold his hand and I will smile for him.

I will do this because he has a legitimate reason for being upset with the world. No one prepares you for something like that to happen and I can't expect the coping mechanism to just turn on at the right moment. I will also do this because I am his wife. I said I would stay through sickness and health and through good times and bad and that is exactly what I intend to do.

I think it's important for us to realize that when we marry someone, regardless of how long we have been with this person, we are marrying his or her representative. 

You can think you know everything about a person, but you don't know what will happen and who they will become as life bends and molds them throughout time. Even without hard times, people grow, they learn, they change their beliefs, their likes and dislikes. I have yet to meet a person who believes themselves to be exactly the same as they were ten years ago.

In my opinion, marriages often fail due to the fact that people feel like they have been ripped off. This is not the model of human I purchased from the marriage store. 

 Sometimes my husband will look at me so completely annoyed that I think, you are not the man who sat across from me on that first date. But then there are these moments when the house is quiet and he'll reach out and grab my hand and I know that we are okay and sometimes okay is all it takes to keep things going through the stressful moments. We have so much to be grateful for and we have so much invested in each other.

The thing is, marriage should not be treated like a shopping trip through a catalog where you can always send something back if it doesn't please you. You have to understand that when you are to marry someone they will inevitably change and so will you. Whether it happens in three years or seven years or twenty-seven years. ALL THINGS CHANGE. 

It's in those moments of change, when love matters most. It's in the moments when you feel like running out the door that you hold onto what you saw in that person from day one and what you continued to hold onto and love since then. Because even the best marriage takes work, and if you want it to work you are making the choice to love someone through their ever evolving self.

You are choosing not to run out the door and it's important to remember that they too are making that choice.

Happy Holidays!!