Man Vs. Poop

So my husband and I have fairly often had this conversation:

Him: Are you really mad at me for having to poop?

Me: Yes.

I'm certain some people will think this is too much information, but I must know if there are other women who feel that the amount of time men spend pooping is absurd. 

Now before you think I'm a total whack job for putting a time limit on the facilities, you should know that I am not so much mad at the what, but rather the when.

I suppose you don't really have control over when you need to go, but if it's so urgent that you leave in the middle of unloading groceries, or bathing the kids, or getting ready to leave the house and be somewhere, then how could it possibly take 45 minutes to get it out?

Seriously, the only time I am relieved to hear he has to poop is when I have a show recorded that I want to watch and he's not interested. Then I'm like, "Perfect, I can watch my hour long program without interruptions!"

Maybe I'm too proper...My Icelandic relatives migrated to Canada, which is highly influenced by England and my mother grew up learning certain formalities that may seem a bit stringent such as, not hugging, never having a pot luck and being "lady-like."

I've gotten over the hugging thing, took a while, but I'd consider myself affectionate especially with people I know well. I still have an issue with potlucks, but I have attended them being that it is a pretty popular American party style. The "lady-like" ideals, however, are very much ingrained in me.

I have grown somewhat accustomed to men being graphic about excrement, but if you want to see a super uncomfortable Stephanie, put me in a room full of women who belch or talk about pooping...I can't do it. I smile and nod and pray to God they stop talking.

If I need the restroom, you will not know why and by the time I'm finished you will hardly know I have been gone in the first place.

That's right folks, I don't defecate..No...Honestly I just don't see a reason to announce to the world what I am going to do in private and I don't feel the need to spend copious amounts of time doing it either.

Surely, if it's to the point where I'm making a face and running into the bathroom, I won't be in there working on it for 45 minutes unless I have food poisoning or brought back some parasite from a Costa Rican yoga retreat.

Realistically, some folks have a difficult time using the bathroom. With that I suggest eating a more fibrous diet and possibly adding some bullet proof coffee to your morning routine.

For my husband, on the other hand, I know what he puts in his body because I am the one providing about 80% of it. I know he has bullet proof coffee in the morning and I know that his meals are almost always paleo...So what's the hang up?

One time, we were in Santa Fe with some friends of ours and he was looking for a bathroom. I said, "oh great, here we go."

He and I had a playful banter back and forth where I told him I was going to blog about his pooping and his friend came to his aid saying I couldn't throw him under the bus like that...45 minutes later, his friend gave me his blessing. He couldn't believe that even amongst friends, in the middle of a day trip, my husband would take his time in the bathroom.

In his defense, my husband is adamant of the fact that he is in fact using the toilet for the entirety of his visit.

Most of my exes, if not all, have had this crazy poop time, but only my husband insists on having it in public too. I'm starting to wonder if it's their lifestyle of lifting weights and drinking protein shakes that makes them more full of...hehe

On the up-side, when I ask him to keep the kids out of the room so that I can use the bathroom, he is completely happy to oblige. So much so, that I too have been taking 45 minutes.

 I, of course, am not actually using the toilet that long, but I am so relieved to have found a mini sanctuary away from the family circus that I hang out for a bit answering emails or catching up on Facebook. Once, I left my phone outside of the bathroom so I decided to floss my teeth and paint my toes!

I've attached the trailer from "So This is 40" that seems pretty fitting for today's topic. Hope you enjoyed this because I'm typing it on my new MacBook Pro that my husband got me for my birthday and I'm feeling a bit guilty for throwing him under the bus now:)