Happiness in the Pursuit
I haven't written a post in over a month! I've been THAT busy.
The Realtor who I've been working for is on fire and I've been trying to juggle the copious amounts of paperwork with my ever difficult five year old, two year old and chunky monk 6 month old. Being busy is good though, it's less time for me to over analyze existing in my overly hormonal, analytic, female brain.
I also decided to go ahead and get my Realtor license, which excites me, but now that I think about it, is only magnifying my neurosis.
What neurosis you ask? The constant "pursuit of happiness" neurosis. Or maybe even the ego satisfying neurosis, I'm not sure which one.
The other day I just felt completely useless. I mean I worked my butt off taking care of the children; never sitting down, fussy baby, fighting siblings, nurse, abcmouse.com, dog eating trash, toddler peeing on rug next to toilet, nurse, five year old sticking hand in baby's mouth, toddler refusing to take a nap, put on pants, or get into car, nurse, dog eating poopy diaper, everybody poop at once! The list goes ON and ON...nurse.
I managed to cook a healthy paleo meal for the family. Listened to the children complain about it for thirty minutes before making them a separate meal. Got everyone bathed and ready for bed all the while cleaning up the then flooded, toothpaste smeared bathroom.
My husband comes home and looks at the house with a furrowed brow. I can't really blame him though. He walks into what looks like a hurricane relief site, usually smelling of diapers, with the sound of extremely loud children bouncing off of the walls.
Although he doesn't say it, I'm sure he wonders what I did all day. How could he not? It looks like I've done nothing yet I feel like I just built the Pyramid of Giza.
Sorry, allow me to translate: How is it that raising my children and giving them everything I have, not feel like an accomplishment?
Maybe because I lost my cool and yelled too much, or let them watch more than one cartoon in an attempt to write or use the bathroom or put away laundry. Or maybe it's because I gave in and let them eat organic mac & cheese, yet again, instead of salmon with asparagus...Maybe those things make me feel like I've failed in some way.
Or is it I still feel like I have to bring home the money?
I pride myself on all of my education and then I look in the mirror and think, how did I get baby poop on my ear? I am working toward my Realtor license in an attempt to be with the children while bringing home the money when in all honesty, physically being with the children and actually BEING with them are entirely different things.
My husband is frustrated that his back keeps going out. He feels like if he can't be competitive as an athlete, he will lose part of himself. I listen and try to be supportive, but of course my ego then relates this back to me. I really don't practice yoga much or work out much anymore, I rarely find time or energy to read or write, I don't have a "real" job, and I wonder if these parts of my being are essential for me to feel like myself.
Sometimes I think maybe I just need to use my brain academically to feel more my self. Either way, why can't I just BE? And what exactly is the definition of my "self." Wouldn't the fact that I am now a mother change that very notion of self?
My children will only be little for such a small amount of time. Once they're in school I will have more freedom to do all of these things so why must I wear myself thin trying to do them all now? If I can, cool. But to stress about it seems absurd.
I saw a preview for a British movie called, Hector and the Pursuit of Happiness. I haven't actually seen the film, but the smallest part of the preview struck a chord with me. The main character goes to a lecture hall in which the lecturer says something along the lines of, everyone is so obsessed with the pursuit of happiness that they don't realize what really matters is finding "happiness in the pursuit." BOOM went my mind.
So, I will leave you with my new mantra:
The Realtor who I've been working for is on fire and I've been trying to juggle the copious amounts of paperwork with my ever difficult five year old, two year old and chunky monk 6 month old. Being busy is good though, it's less time for me to over analyze existing in my overly hormonal, analytic, female brain.
I also decided to go ahead and get my Realtor license, which excites me, but now that I think about it, is only magnifying my neurosis.
What neurosis you ask? The constant "pursuit of happiness" neurosis. Or maybe even the ego satisfying neurosis, I'm not sure which one.
The other day I just felt completely useless. I mean I worked my butt off taking care of the children; never sitting down, fussy baby, fighting siblings, nurse, abcmouse.com, dog eating trash, toddler peeing on rug next to toilet, nurse, five year old sticking hand in baby's mouth, toddler refusing to take a nap, put on pants, or get into car, nurse, dog eating poopy diaper, everybody poop at once! The list goes ON and ON...nurse.
I managed to cook a healthy paleo meal for the family. Listened to the children complain about it for thirty minutes before making them a separate meal. Got everyone bathed and ready for bed all the while cleaning up the then flooded, toothpaste smeared bathroom.
My husband comes home and looks at the house with a furrowed brow. I can't really blame him though. He walks into what looks like a hurricane relief site, usually smelling of diapers, with the sound of extremely loud children bouncing off of the walls.
Although he doesn't say it, I'm sure he wonders what I did all day. How could he not? It looks like I've done nothing yet I feel like I just built the Pyramid of Giza.
Then it occurred to me, why must I have a paycheck in my hand or something tangible like the Pyramid of Giza to actually believe that I am building the Pyramid of Giza?
Sorry, allow me to translate: How is it that raising my children and giving them everything I have, not feel like an accomplishment?
Maybe because I lost my cool and yelled too much, or let them watch more than one cartoon in an attempt to write or use the bathroom or put away laundry. Or maybe it's because I gave in and let them eat organic mac & cheese, yet again, instead of salmon with asparagus...Maybe those things make me feel like I've failed in some way.
Or is it I still feel like I have to bring home the money?
I pride myself on all of my education and then I look in the mirror and think, how did I get baby poop on my ear? I am working toward my Realtor license in an attempt to be with the children while bringing home the money when in all honesty, physically being with the children and actually BEING with them are entirely different things.
My husband is frustrated that his back keeps going out. He feels like if he can't be competitive as an athlete, he will lose part of himself. I listen and try to be supportive, but of course my ego then relates this back to me. I really don't practice yoga much or work out much anymore, I rarely find time or energy to read or write, I don't have a "real" job, and I wonder if these parts of my being are essential for me to feel like myself.
Sometimes I think maybe I just need to use my brain academically to feel more my self. Either way, why can't I just BE? And what exactly is the definition of my "self." Wouldn't the fact that I am now a mother change that very notion of self?
My children will only be little for such a small amount of time. Once they're in school I will have more freedom to do all of these things so why must I wear myself thin trying to do them all now? If I can, cool. But to stress about it seems absurd.
I saw a preview for a British movie called, Hector and the Pursuit of Happiness. I haven't actually seen the film, but the smallest part of the preview struck a chord with me. The main character goes to a lecture hall in which the lecturer says something along the lines of, everyone is so obsessed with the pursuit of happiness that they don't realize what really matters is finding "happiness in the pursuit." BOOM went my mind.
So, I will leave you with my new mantra:
Whatever happens today, let that be enough.
Light & Love Friends!
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