Leggo my Ego

Recently, I was contacted by a high school friend regarding a relationship she's in that's leaving her feeling vulnerable and unfulfilled. She had read my post on marriage and was reaching out for more understanding of my relationship philosophy.

Those of you who have had the privilege of knowing me since my early to mid-twenties will also know of my horrible, terrible, no good very bad relationship with a dude named, well...Let's call him D-bag. 

I know you'd  know of him because in those years of my life I was consumed by this relationship and had a difficult time discussing much else.  In fact, I would argue that I had become an entirely different person whilst attempting to fit his fantastic mold. 

He was handsome and charming and oh yeah, how could I forget, a complete sociopath! 

He cheated and lied and made me feel trapped in a very toxic world of make-ups and break-ups for three years. I made a fool of myself in public...more than once. I lost friends. I even lost potential suitors to this gigantic waste of time. 

Maybe that's because he stalked me, blew my phone up and found my new number once it was changed and lets not forget contacting any new person I would date, telling them we were still together. He had me isolated, or so I thought. 

In the end, I finally had to get the police involved and I haven't seen him since. That was over six years ago and he only stopped trying to contact me about a week before my wedding. 

It wasn't entirely a waste of time, however, because when I finally got out of it, a new side of me emerged. I learned so many valuable lessons that I now can apply to everyday life. Surprise, surprise most of these lessons are regarding the Ego. Not D-bag's Ego, but my EGO.

EGO:

You see the Ego is a sneaky little thing that feeds off of your insecurities and if you're not careful, it will gladly take over. Of course I originally learned of the Ego in college regarding Freud's theories, but my all time favorite books that discuss the Ego are by Eckhart Tolle. Particularly his book called, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. Don't judge. I needed to read it. Three times.

In it, he discusses something called "the pain body." He says it's a living thing inside all of us created by painful emotions that are "not fully faced" as children and leaves behind a "remnant pain" that can be triggered by certain things unique to us. 

Subconsciously, our pain-body will push us to put ourselves in negative or dramatic situations in order to feed itself so it's important to understand what your triggers are and to face them so that you can break free from this cycle. 

Often, I see people on Facebook who have status' regarding never catching a break or expressing disappointment in situations that they've found themselves in. Rarely, do these statuses admit fault in their current issues. 

Most people tend to play the victim in his or her own life not realizing that he or she will continue to be a victim until responsibility is taken and a change is made. Tolle calls these people "sleepwalkers," trapped in their own dysfunctional cycle, recreating the nightmare.*

For example, I would cry and blame D-bag for everything, but at the end of the day, I was the one who chose to be in that relationship. I allowed him back in time and time again, giving him the illusion that he could get away with treating me like crap forever. I made this choice for whatever my weird insecure childhood pain-body needed.

Obviously, some of us have suffered more than others and it is interesting to see that those who have suffered more are often those closest to "enlightenment" if you will. 

Those who have not, have a tendency to be a bit more shallow in thoughts, which is not that person's fault by any means it's just how this thing works. 

Fun fact, my husband and I watch The Voice and we often discuss when you can tell if a person has gone through pain based on their performance. Those who haven't, actually lack an important relatable quality in how they perform. 

So cheer up! It's actually a good thing your life sucks! You too can now play the moody blues and make everyone tear up! Haha you know what I'm saying...

Lessons Learned:

By far my most valuable lesson learned is a simple saying: 

YOU ALWAYS KNOW.

Sounds cheesy, but I believe my instinct is spot on when it comes to people. Mostly from experience, but I do believe we are born with a natural instinct that needs to be respected.

On the very first date with D-bag for example, I actually told him I wasn't interested in dating him because I was not the shallow, blonde girl that I thought he was hoping I'd be. 

In that moment I had control. I should have gotten up and walked away, but of course he immediately took me as a challenge and turned on the charm. Within a week, he had me questioning my entire being and who allowed him to treat me this way? Me and my damn EGO. 

I did not understand how a man could go hours without responding to my text message or act so loosely about seeing me. My ego demanded I win him over. It wanted to be chosen over the other women. It needed to successfully change him into its puppet.

I would torment my friends with questions regarding my messed up situation when I always knew the answers. I was not ready to accept the answers, but I always knew them.

To this day, when I find myself in a bind or feeling stuck I remind myself that I ALWAYS KNOW. 

If you take a moment to listen to your instinct, you'll make the right decision. I think internal struggles is the mind's way of not wanting to acknowledge the instinct for whatever reason.

My next most invaluable lesson, is that:

BEING OFFENDED IS A CHOICE.

An amazing tactic of avoiding drama is choosing not to be offended. This is not to be mistaken for putting up with people's crap. By all means avoid allowing bad people into your life.

Sure someone you care about or not, for that matter, can look you straight in the eye and say the most horrible things. But if you were to put yourself in his or her shoes, I guarantee you can find reasoning behind their negativity, even if it's just their ignorance. 

I'm not perfect at this, but I do practice it as often as possible.

You have to understand, unless you purposefully did something bad to someone else, nine times out of ten, their issue is not about you at all. 

That's right, not everything is about you!
 
Example, when I was a teacher, I experienced parents who would come in angry with me because their child was failing my class. Although some of them could be quit disrespectful, I chose not to take offense because at the end of the day I'm sure their frustration mainly lies on the situation not necessarily on me, especially after I have explained the grade to them. 

Maybe my husband's back is in a lot of pain and his lack of sleep made him a bit testy this morning...Again, it's nothing personal so why take it that way? And I've noticed, I'm not exactly a peach when I haven't slept.

Or maybe something as small as the person riding my bumper in traffic. They may not intend on bothering me in particular. They might just be late for something really important like a funeral, a wedding, or a job interview. 

Or my most favorite thought...maybe everyone just has diarrhea? How friendly are you when you have diarrhea? Have you ever had diarrhea stuck in traffic? 

Just saying I think we can all cut people some slack if not for anything other than your own sanity. I mean you could spend all day upset with someone for something they did because of diarrhea and you wouldn't even know it!

With D-bag my EGO thought his every move was an insult to me. What was I lacking that caused him to cheat? What could I do to change him? What was wrong with me? 

Then it hit me....NOTHING. 

The problem wasn't me, it was him and whatever issue his pain-body was triggering in himself. 

Once I stopped allowing my ego to take offense, I was able to take control of my emotions. I have a choice to be offended and to take things personally. 

I will choose this if I want drama. I will choose this in a moment of weakness and give my ego the ability to blow things out of proportion or I will just choose not to be offended and walk away unscathed. 

NO DRAMA.

Last but equally important is LIVE IN THE MOMENT.

I'm sure most people have seen this a time or two, but I love how Tolle puts it into perspective. The pain-body urges the ego to linger in the past replaying life's mistakes over and over again. This is madness because you can't change anything that has already happened so why give the past your energy and focus today? 

Same thing goes for the future. Sure you can have a goal or a dream, but what is it about our society that is always in search of something more? Is that the detriment of human nature? 

Peace is found when you realize that everything you need, you already have. 

Giving your entire energy and focus to something that has yet to be can cause unnecessary anxiety. 

Worrying about what could happen makes your own mind the enemy and nothing is more creative with scare tactics than your own mind...your own ego. You could not possibly know what will be, so why worry about it? 

And more importantly, in knowing that all things are impermanent, why would you want to risk missing today for something that may never be tomorrow?

These are pretty much my driving force. I'm still working on them everyday, but writing this is good for me as how better to learn something than by teaching it?

If any of you are stuck in a bad relationship, I suggest picking up A New Earth, but also He's Just Not That Into You, which is not only a good book, but is also an entertaining movie.

In honor of my high school friend in a bad relationship, I'll leave you with my favorite quote from that book: 

"If a guy isn't doing anything to keep you, then why are you fighting so hard to stay?"

Namaste my friends.

* A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle
*He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt &  Liz Tuccillo